Re-reading my old posts this year was so challenging, nearly impossible. I don't know if there was any year prior where every single post had a negative tone. But that is the essence of my year, negative inside and out.
First and foremost, as is the biggest news of the year, COVID-19. Definitely was not expecting anything close to the disaster we've seen this year. In the most significant way, many people have died or become incredibly ill, and in less significant ways, I have found myself isolated and unable to go to Japan as intended. In some ways, the forced isolation has been refreshing, as I am not expected to socialize. But in other ways, it has created a very dangerous enviroment for me.
This year for me was a year of diagnoses and medications. While I always knew I had depression and anxiety, I was never officially evaluated by a psychiatrist or diagnosed. I've been through hell and back trying different medications, and without rehashing those melancholic feelings, I think it's safe to say that my biggest accomplishment this year was staying alive. There were numerous times that I wanted to give up because none of this makes sense. In one of my favorite shows this year, there was a line that read, "God's gonna do something special with you, something new." And as much as I want to believe this, my resilience has been so brutally tested that I don't even think I want to see whatever this is that is special and new. As I wrote many times in my last post, I am just so tired. Every time I think about how tired I am, it makes me cry. And I spent some time thinking the other day, if I am merely here to make others happy and not to enjoy life myself. Because the number olauf times I have been told that I am a good person is numerous, but the number of times I have been complimented on my clinical accumen is next to nothing. And because of that, I feel like next to nothing. Being a good person will not ultimately make me a good doctor in and of itself. What am I to do with that?
My confidence and motivation this year hit rock bottom. Even today, I tell myself I want to be an ED doctor, but do I really? After weeks of extreme depression, I gradually began to re-learn Japanese. I did not reach N2 level as I had wanted to in my last year end post, but even getting to this point is a miracle given how I could barely peel myself out of bed some days. I still wonder what my end goal with this will be, given that I am trapped by $400,000 to be in a high-paying profession. I hope to at least make it back to Japan this year, as Japanese (and Netflix) is the only thing that brings me joy nowadays.
I internally laughed so hard at my last year end post, stating that I was so grateful for my roommate. Lo and behold I want nothing to do with this person or anyone else in her circle. This, on top of my family becoming ill with COVID, debt, wisdom teeth removal, crippling depression, etc made me question, why am I not allowed to be happy? Why is it that people who have brought so much pain (not just to me, but others) are so free to be happy, but the sufferers are not? I truly believed, and still believe, that I am being punished for something so terrible, because it just does not make sense. I am nonetheless grateful that I was able to have a fairly seamless move assisted by my parents in the same building with fairly so-so roommates, although one is a COVID cesspool.
The ONLY good thing is that my family is safe and healthy, and that is the most important thing above all.
My song of the year, initially was going to be "Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story." This song made me think about how I see myself, how others see me, my achievements (and lack thereof), and if/how I matter to the world. In continuing with my very depressing theme, my thoughts in this regard are largely negative, but I hope that changes for the better.
But instead, I'll chooe a more "upbeat," depressive song, "eight" by IU. I think it overall is an appropriate reflection of my feelings this year.
Normally I would post goals for the year, set my intentions. But I think for now, I will see how the year goes and go from there. For now, I just hope to stay alive.