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For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
22 December 2014 @ 04:24 pm
The first semester of my gap year has officially concluded and I am officially on my way to my own precious white coat.

As 2014 comes to a close (and I'll probably do a year-end post) I must say that I am very proud of the progress and decisions that I have made. Despite anyone trying to bring me down, discredit my success, and doubting my potential, I am slowly but surely proving everyone wrong. I have already achieved more than many people with whom I have graduated, and I am on my way to bigger and better things.

But in spite of my achievements, I know that I still have a semester to go and will not let my current success get in the way of my hard work over the next few months. It definitely helps my confidence, that's for sure.

Current Mood: うれしい
Current Music: Nell - Four Times Around the Sun
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
16 September 2014 @ 05:40 am

You know those days where everything just feels like such a fail? Today was one of those days. Heck, the past few days have be "one of those day." Which is so bizzare because I accomplished an amazing thing; I beat a medical school class average on an exam. That's an amazing feat in fact. But, I fell into a post-exam lull; that lull you get when you've toiled to reach such great lengths, then you reach the pinnacle, gaze across a tremendous horizon of success and achievement. And then you climb back down, level by level, until you've reached the very bottom and that transient moment of joy is but a memory.

I'm not entirely sure where this stream of consciousness came from or is going to be honest. Maybe it's the change in weather, or the fact that this year is somewhat rapidly winding down. The weather has almost overnight turned chilly. I can't help but think back on the struggles of this year, and how many more struggles are ahead. So much sadness in the world, I really do wish to keep at bay for everyone, from everyone.

I think this calls for a pick-me-up treat tomorrow.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
04 August 2014 @ 01:53 am
I had been meaning to post since last week and just never got around to it. I felt obliged to do so now since I'll be going to orientation #2 for my post-bac/early assurance program in about three days.

Since I last posted, I completed the summer portion of my program. As much as I love meeting new people and making new friends, it's always a challenge working with different personalities, habits, and attitudes. Everyone (generally) was pretty nice and fun to hang out with nonetheless and my suitemates were very chill. I got to take a break from them now and then seeing my own friends, which was awesome. I'm a bit peeved at the administration and their dealing with certain attributes of the program, but the program itself is a great opportunity and I'm blessed to be in this position. I am also blessed to have successfully achieved the MCAT score required for this program and so I will never, ever have to take it again...assuming all goes well this year. I am actually excited for my classes, mostly because I am familiar with a lot of the material, but also because I get to have somewhat of a medical school experience. I mean, to some degree at least, since my lectures are actually simulcast. I really "enjoyed" studying this summer, and although the real thing will be more daunting because my exams are going to be legitimate, I am excited for the challenge.

And I am again blessed because I will be living with one of my best friends from undergrad (and another girl from our undergrad who we'll just say I have to really warm up to). Our apartment is nice and clean, but we're on the top floor of a building with no elevators, and the apartment is small for three people. I'm being a bit...forward-thinking, I guess, by planning my move for next summer lol. I'm generally a low-maintenance girl but I do very much so value comfort and safety, neither of which I can say with full confidence this apartment delivers. But nonetheless I have a place to live at the end of the day.

Although it is not, and will never be, my beloved NYC, this city holds a piece of my heart, as does my undergrad which I plan on visiting with decent but not outrageous regularity. I realized through my summer roommate and other people in my program that family, friends, and whatever you call "home" are truly irreplaceable and it really breaks your spirit when you have to let them go. Most of the program students are 24+ and many of them have told me numerous times that they're amazed by how many of my friends I got to see this summer, because they have lost so many throughout the dawn of their post-undergrad life, including best friends. I hope to never, ever face such a bleak reality. I feel no shame in admitting that without my friends I'd be a pretty sad person (more than I am already, at least). I have friends who I can visit throughout the year, and even those who I can't visit I still contact often enough, whenever I want. I can hop on a bus to go home whenever I want. I can ride the train back to my undergrad to visit old friends and professors and the towns, stores, and restaurants I still cherish, whenever I want. I cannot say for sure that if I applied to medical school a year ago that I would have the same opportunity, but in this moment I cannot envision a more perfect circumstance. Regardless of the outcome of this year, I am forever grateful and I know that I am loved. The rest of the year is on me.

I think have spewed enough verbal cheese for one night.

Current Mood: いい
Current Music: A-bee - Arch from HIKARIST
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
17 June 2014 @ 07:32 pm
I haven't posted (publicly) in a while. A bit has changed since I graduated exactly 1 month ago to the day.

It definitely does not feel like an entire month has passed and that July is almost here. I guess the only reason for this is, with the exception of two or three days, I essentially did nothing but study for the MCAT again since I graduated until June 12 (this past Thursday). The exam was a disaster, so much harder than my first exam in January and I am not looking forward to the score, but it's not the end of the world if I bombed it. I know, that sounds strange for me of all people to be "at peace" with failure, but the reason for that leads me to my next bit of news.

After almost a year of deliberating whether or not I should apply to medical school last year, getting rejected from CLS, and struggling to figure out my life, I can finally say that I will be attending my first choice of school to participate in a post-baccalaureate program. The tremendous things about this program are that: (1) the acceptance is conditional to acceptance into the medical school, hence (2) I do not need to spend $2,000+ on the grueling and heart-wrenching application process, and (3) I get to spend the summer in my third home (which makes me believe maybe it was a good thing that I did not get accepted into CLS then). No, it is not my first choice of medical school, but I figured if I rock Step 1, I can ultimately end up in NYC for residency.

Side note, I'd like to arrogantly throw out there that I was also admitted to a post-baccalaureate program at an Ivy League institution, but turned it down because (1) there is no conditional acceptance into the medical school, hence (2) I would need to spend $2,000+ on the grueling and heart-wrenching application process, and (3) I had my heart set on this other program for the reasons indicated. I usually don't boast like this, but seeing these two acceptances were in all honesty the first time I have really been proud of my accomplishments. I usually think, "Oh, it's because I'm an African-American female with decent grades in a difficult major and extracurricular activities." But I can truly say that my achievements this time were the result of hard work and dedication through my own efforts, and of course the support of my family and God. No, a post-bacc is not an outstanding achievement in general, and in essence demonstrates that I could have done better and didn't, but to me it is a big deal. It's truly an honor that I will never forget, particularly because of the competitive nature of both programs. It gives me hope for residency, if anything, lol.

The program frighteningly begins in just under a week, and I have mixture of emotions. I'm excited because I get to return to a city that I know and enjoy decently well. I'm also excited to meet new people and make new friends. But I'm also nervous about making these new friends. I think there's somewhere between 25-40 of us, all from different backgrounds, some who graduated from college ages ago. I'm good at making friends, but I don't always click with everyone and I don't like not clicking with people. I'm nervous about how housing is going to work out. I'm nervous about the rigor and stress that I'm going to face. I'm nervous about how broke I am and will be. I can only pray that the pieces fit together; everything seems to be falling into place right now, and I hope it stays that way.

That's the gist of my post-graduate life so far. Family problems continue to be problems, but we continue to work through them somehow. I just hope that everything and everyone can be at peace by the end of the summer.

Speaking of summer, my song of the summer:

Current Mood: いいよ
Current Music: BoA - 正夢 CHASING
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.

After four short (well, long but seemingly short) years as an undergraduate, my last day of classes has finally arrived. It sounds utterly dismal, but more than it really is. And to be honest, the rain has put a damper on this sentimental attitude that I think should be having.

It's strange; I'm almost positive that I was more distraught moving out of my sophomore year dorm at this time than I am now. And you'd think the fact that my future is still yet to be determined would make me more upset, but even that has yet to put a damper on my mood. I'm not happy per se, but I can't really empathize with my peers just yet.

I know I should save my graduation post for, well, when I graduate, but I have a feeling that reality will hit me fast on that day and I won't be in a good emotional state to write this.

It has been a blast going to school here. I honestly could not imagine myself having gone anywhere else, and while many things changed over four years, people have come and gone, and friendships were made and broken, in general I must say that coming to this school was the best decision of my life so far. I had the chance to explore so many new opportunities, from going to Jamaica to doing research, and every day that I'm not on or near campus I'll miss it so much. I'll miss all the faces, friends or not, that give me a sense of comfort and home just through familiarity. I mean, I have paths to get from one building to another engrained in my memory. Even the smell of certain places has given me this unacknowledged comfort that in a few short weeks I may never get to experience again.

I hate change. Flat out. I remember the first day I came to Villanova, I cried and desperately wanted to go back home. Now, I couldn't imagine spending more than a few weeks at home without going insane. But I have a feeling that the same will come out of whatever new adventure awaits.

I appreciate every single person I have met over the past four years. Everyone. Even those who got on my last nerves, those who made me cry, and those who just thinking of them makes me cringe. For every one of those individuals, I had 10 or 20 others making me smile and laugh everyday, sharing jokes, walking to class, eating dinner, etc. Every person I have met has shaped me into the outstanding person I am today. I'm still a kid at heart, but a kid who knows how to compose herself because of all these encounters I've had. It's going to suck SO badly when I can't walk outside and run into 100 people a day and casually say hi. As antisocial I usually am with music blasting in my ear as I stroll (or in the case of today, swim) across campus, it constantly makes me happy that I've made enough of an impact on people that they care enough to say hi. It's a part of my daily routine that I'm not sure I'll get to experience ever again or get used to the lack of.

Even simply leaving this area is going to be tough. As desperate I am to stay here, the chances of that are uncertain, and its possible that I won't be back for a while, or ever again. And it's little things like Septa running an hour late that I'll get sentimental about (not that I'll necessarily miss that), or being able to walk across the street for groceries, or hopping on the train just to go get bubble tea in Philly.

Academically, I discovered my strengths and weaknesses, and of course that rough patch in my career still haunts me (and is ultimately the reason for my current state of uncertainty). But the failure has made me
grow and learn about who I am, what really interests me, and where I should go in life. As much as this liberal arts education annoyed the absolute shit out of me, I appreciate the vast areas of study I got to explore because, let's be real, science ain't that exciting all the time.

I'm sure I'll come up with other things to look back on and cry about in the future but this is it for now. A HUGE thank you to God for carrying me through this absurd but thrilling labyrinth, mostly unscathed, and allowing me to experience such an incredible and truly life-changing adventure. I have no clue what is in store for me in the near or distant future, but I know it is bright, and I know it is bright for everyone around me, whether they have a plan or are in an abyss of unknowingness like I am. As I said, time and time again, I am not a fan of change, but I am excited to see what's next.

Everyday is a new page. A story I'm writing with my own hands.

Until the next chapter. (Ahaha who am I kidding I still have finals. Jokes.)


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
19 April 2014 @ 03:10 am

I'm a little sleepy, but I had this on my mind earlier and I thought that I would get it out before I went to bed.

It makes me sad that sometimes I end a phone conversation with my parents in a solemn state, not because of anything negative on their part or anything of the like, but because of the reality check I get. I know they don't intend to do this, but it really gets to me, even if momentarily, when my bubble is disturbed.

In just under a month I will be a free agent in the world, free to do anything, everything, nothing. I have dreams like many others, but those dreams are so often hindered by something that I wonder if they are meant to come true. Like going to Japan, for instance. I joke around with my friends that I will never go to Japan, but I honestly believe that I will never go to Japan. Hey, I'd be lucky to even visit another country again. But I'm completely fine with it. I've pushed through the sadness and tears and accepted this reality because false hope is a certified mood ruiner. It is what it is. If the opportunity emerges, that would be a fantastic gift. But I never expect gifts anyway.

I also came to terms with my not going to medical school this year. Last year, I had to suck it up, wipe my tears away, and dust my shoulders off. It took time, but I accepted it.

Now I wonder if this postponement is in actuality a false hope. As well my faith in my family's overcoming all our struggles. Time and time again I regret not pursuing a career that would give me instant financial security for the simple fact that I cannot help my family. I wish everyday that I could, and I hope that now that my brother will be financially independent he may be able to do what I clearly failed to achieve.

I follow my dreams, only to not only have them seemingly go nowhere, but also to not benefit the people who have supported me for almost 22 years. That's a long ass time, if you didn't realize.

I don't mean to point fingers or ridicule anyone on how their families function, but it baffles me how ungrateful some of my peers are for all these opportunities with which they are bestowed all due to their parents' support. I am no angel either, but I acknowledge how much they've had to suffer for me, and my one true goal is not to become a doctor or make millions of dollars or cure cancer, but to repay my parents for their relentless support and love, even in the midst of hardship or my being a difficult 21 year old.

Since I can feel my tearducts and mucus membranes about to go on overdrive, I'll end the sappiness here. I pray for a blessed Easter for everyone, the souls of those lost in the MH370 and Sewol tragedies, and a safe, happy, and healthy end of my college career. And all of the Class of 2014.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
02 March 2014 @ 10:56 pm
I'll just apologize in advance because this is going to be a slightly angry post that normally I would restrict to my normal 140 character tweets, but recent developments have filled me with so much frustration that I could tweet for days and never get my message across (not as fluidly, at least).

People remind me every day, through their actions and the incredible things with which they are bestowed, that I go to school in a bubble. There are many bubbles in the world (I lived in one since fourth grade) but this bubble in particular has really shown me how simple-minded and entitled some people are. I have a friend who I have known for the past four years. This friend and I are on completely and entirely opposite ends of the household income spectrum. Her idea of being frugal is buying a $10 meal rather than a $14 meal...several times a week. She gets upset because she desperately wants to go to Europe with her family...although she was just there a few months ago. And she recently hopped on a plane, spontaneously, to go visit family, a day after seeing one of the concerts of her dreams. She lives a wonderful lifestyle, has her career set at a very convenient company (and I do mean convenient), yet everything in her life is a "disaster." And I do understand that those with money have their share of problems as well, but her problems are so unbelievably and indescribably not problems that I avoid her on the regular simply so that I don't have to hear her mind-numbingly petty venting day in and day out.

And then there are those who take for granted the money that has been invested in their futures, only to squander it away because they know they have more of that to fall back on. And yet somehow, by God's grace I suppose, they still manage to find success while those who have truly exerted themselves to reach those goals are pushed aside. I fortunately have not been a victim of this foolishness but I have seen many of my friends fall victim to it, and it baffles me how their hard work is disregarded for the "work" of those who I sincerely believe are not nearly as deserving as many, actually, most others.

I am not in any way, shape, or form blaming my situation for my lack of success or ungrateful for the lessons that I have learned from my less than desirable circumstances. But it's absolutely astounding how many similarly ignorant people plague the Earth and are given that extra push to achieve their goals while the rest of us are left to rot. The rest of us who legitimately understand the struggles of the world, experience those struggles, and don't feign understanding because we took a class on poverty or utilized the power of Google.

I would say, let's see where we all end up in 20 years, but we all know that while I may be successful in my endeavors, so will they, because let's be real, the amount fairness there is in this world is restricted to very few circumstances.

You get what you deserve...and painfully often what you don't deserve.

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
31 December 2013 @ 02:44 am

And so it has come, finally. The last day of 2013.

I'm very apathetic to this past year, but I'd rather that than have weathered an atrociously miserable past 12 months. I made some big, somewhat life-changing (or rather direction-changing) decisions that, even several weeks later, I cannot say with full confidence I am content with my decisions.

As happy as I am that so many people around me have their futures figured out, there's an innate, envious feeling inside of me that I cannot ignore, no matter how much I fake a smile for those people, or fake excitement, or fake a non-heartfelt "Congratulations!" I can't help but feel gypped, even though I'm positive I haven't exerted myself nearly as much as many of those around me. Freshman year I came in with my head in the books and over time it seems like I forgot that I came to school to study. Regardless, I am hopelessly awaiting my chance to flaunt even an ounce of success (although I did, for no reason whatsoever, get my photo in an Ivy medical school magazine). I'm hoping that 2014 brings that opportunity.

In addition to medical school, the second big decision I made (or will make I should say) has been unnecessarily unnerving, and I say unnecessarily because all signs have told me to abandon ship. I spent a good 7 months of my college career emotionally suffering over one individual, only to have him forget that I was the one who stood by his side in his time of greatest weakness. And not just him, but also some people who I consider(ed) some of my closest friends. In retrospect, I should have noticed the warning signs, not just in terms of what I wrote above but all the things that have led me to make this decision, but my mind was fooled by the illusion of love. The illusion that I needed someone by my side to make me happy. The illusion that the flaws of our relationship were typical and that I shouldn't be concerned. The illusion that we would last "forever." And then God shook me, nudged me, waved every flag possible to bring me back to my senses. I wasn't happy, and it is not fair to me to have my happiness sacrificed for his or anyone else's happiness. I'm grateful for the learning experience, but I'm honestly disappointed in myself for even reaching this point. I know I'm stronger than that. I have way more self-confidence than that, and I acknowledge my self-worth enough that "love" should not have gotten in the way.

Regardless, as I said, I am grateful for the experience. It was fun while it lasted, and I guess I realized that there is at least one person in the world willing to deal with my quirks and neuroces. Maybe we'll rekindle again after we're both making bank in several years. Maybe we'll take what we learned from each other and carry on. We'll see, but for now this chapter has ended.

I know I always, always say that I am terrified of what the New Year will bring, but this time the feeling is warranted. In about 5 months my undergraduate career will conclude, in 8 months I will be God-knows-where, most of my friends and I will be geographically separated permanently, and (hopefully) my future will be decided. I have literally absolutely no clue where 2014 will take me, but I'm praying for a smooth ride. Or decently smooth, at the very least. Thank God I made it through another year in one piece.

And below are my top 12 songs of 2013! They're in no particular order, with the exception of #1 which is my #1 song of 2013, mostly because of the meaning behind the lyrics, and might possibly be the first song I listen to in 2014. Two of them were released before 2013 but I first heard them this year. Three of them I first heard within the last week, including my #1 choice. Listen, enjoy, and see you again in 2014!

  1. Ailee - Higher (video below)

  2. Ludovico Einaudi - Oltremare (did not come out this year)

  3. Nell - Ocean of Light

  4. Girl's Day - Female President

  5. Andamiro - Waiting

  6. Ailee - U&I

  7. Sleeping At Last - We're Still Here (also did not come out this year)

  8. G-Dragon - COUP D`ETAT feat. Diplo and Baauer

  9. Spica - Tonight

  10. Zedd - Clarity

  11. Taeyang - Ringa Linga

  12. Fall Out Boy - Just One Yesterday

  13. *Special Shoutout* Yoo Sung Eun - Healing


Current Mood: まあまあ
Current Music: Ailee - Higher
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
19 November 2013 @ 02:38 am

I've had a lot of firsts in college, and to add to this list I am including the first time I've ever had to break up with someone.

It's such a strange feeling from the perpetrator's point of view because I was no where near as sad as he was and I obviously had the time to mentally prepare myself for the impending disaster. It seems almost unfair and heartless of me to drop the ball like that with almost no warning. But I knew what had to be done and it was done. And I feel so much better now that all of this has been said.

My biggest fear is that he'll feel abandoned, which (even though I got called out for being a horrible person) is not at all what I'm hoping to achieve. I wish the best for him, as I do for everyone, but I wish the best for myself as well and I know my limits.

And for the 1,000th time, that limit has been reached. And so it shall end as such.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
05 November 2013 @ 08:08 pm

My thoughts are sometimes so hypocritical that I don't understand them myself. Caution: sappy, whiny post ahead.

I consider myself to be a good person, but good people don't acknowledge that they are good people, do they?

I do kind things for people for no real reason, but does it make those actions really kind if I acknowledge that they are?

Am I wrong for wanting my kindness to be acknowledged? To be appreciated?

Should I just stop exerting myself for others? Does that make me a horrible person?

And above all, why am I not taking better care of myself? Because, after all, this society has adopted an "every man for himself" attitude.

Should I just follow the trend? Will that make me happier? Will that make me a "good" or "bad" human being, if there are such delegations?

I asked for a good cry, and I received. This is just the last trickle, and for that I apologize.