After four short (well, long but seemingly short) years as an undergraduate, my last day of classes has finally arrived. It sounds utterly dismal, but more than it really is. And to be honest, the rain has put a damper on this sentimental attitude that I think should be having.
It's strange; I'm almost positive that I was more distraught moving out of my sophomore year dorm at this time than I am now. And you'd think the fact that my future is still yet to be determined would make me more upset, but even that has yet to put a damper on my mood. I'm not happy per se, but I can't really empathize with my peers just yet.
I know I should save my graduation post for, well, when I graduate, but I have a feeling that reality will hit me fast on that day and I won't be in a good emotional state to write this.
It has been a blast going to school here. I honestly could not imagine myself having gone anywhere else, and while many things changed over four years, people have come and gone, and friendships were made and broken, in general I must say that coming to this school was the best decision of my life so far. I had the chance to explore so many new opportunities, from going to Jamaica to doing research, and every day that I'm not on or near campus I'll miss it so much. I'll miss all the faces, friends or not, that give me a sense of comfort and home just through familiarity. I mean, I have paths to get from one building to another engrained in my memory. Even the smell of certain places has given me this unacknowledged comfort that in a few short weeks I may never get to experience again.
I hate change. Flat out. I remember the first day I came to Villanova, I cried and desperately wanted to go back home. Now, I couldn't imagine spending more than a few weeks at home without going insane. But I have a feeling that the same will come out of whatever new adventure awaits.
I appreciate every single person I have met over the past four years. Everyone. Even those who got on my last nerves, those who made me cry, and those who just thinking of them makes me cringe. For every one of those individuals, I had 10 or 20 others making me smile and laugh everyday, sharing jokes, walking to class, eating dinner, etc. Every person I have met has shaped me into the outstanding person I am today. I'm still a kid at heart, but a kid who knows how to compose herself because of all these encounters I've had. It's going to suck SO badly when I can't walk outside and run into 100 people a day and casually say hi. As antisocial I usually am with music blasting in my ear as I stroll (or in the case of today, swim) across campus, it constantly makes me happy that I've made enough of an impact on people that they care enough to say hi. It's a part of my daily routine that I'm not sure I'll get to experience ever again or get used to the lack of.
Even simply leaving this area is going to be tough. As desperate I am to stay here, the chances of that are uncertain, and its possible that I won't be back for a while, or ever again. And it's little things like Septa running an hour late that I'll get sentimental about (not that I'll necessarily miss that), or being able to walk across the street for groceries, or hopping on the train just to go get bubble tea in Philly.
Academically, I discovered my strengths and weaknesses, and of course that rough patch in my career still haunts me (and is ultimately the reason for my current state of uncertainty). But the failure has made me
grow and learn about who I am, what really interests me, and where I should go in life. As much as this liberal arts education annoyed the absolute shit out of me, I appreciate the vast areas of study I got to explore because, let's be real, science ain't that exciting all the time.
I'm sure I'll come up with other things to look back on and cry about in the future but this is it for now. A HUGE thank you to God for carrying me through this absurd but thrilling labyrinth, mostly unscathed, and allowing me to experience such an incredible and truly life-changing adventure. I have no clue what is in store for me in the near or distant future, but I know it is bright, and I know it is bright for everyone around me, whether they have a plan or are in an abyss of unknowingness like I am. As I said, time and time again, I am not a fan of change, but I am excited to see what's next.
Everyday is a new page. A story I'm writing with my own hands.
Until the next chapter. (Ahaha who am I kidding I still have finals. Jokes.)