Ok so I know I keep blabbing about college this and college that. And it's going to continue until...well until I decide on a college.

But my dad was like, "Hey you should check to see the status of your early decision application." And I'm like wtf I had a good day I don't feel like being depressed right now. But reluctantly I decided to go an check. And I look at the page online and it's exactly the same as it was 3/4 weeks ago so I'm like ok cool, but then I realize that it says I'll be receiving word of my accept-jection on

December
the freaking
10th

in three days. 5 days earlier than I anticipate...

Which is good and bad. Good because if I get rejected, I can send my other applications immediately and not feel like I wasted money. But bad because...well obviously if I get rejected that's bad. And the 10th is a Thursday, which is a day before Friday, which would make me so, so dejected. What a buzzkill that would be.

But in actuality, I feel like even if I did get rejected, yeah I'll feel like a failure and a dumbass for a day or two, but I'll be over it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the school I applied to, but like I (might have) said, it isn't the end of the world.

But I feel like, my little tangent last Thursday is indication that I'll be feeling some pain on Thursday. I told myself that if I feel upset of if I have a really shitty day or something bad happens, then that means that my essay and applications were reviewed, and....may or may not turn out well.

Obviously, I'd be ecstatic if I got into this particular school just because I got into this particular school, but also, I'm way to lazy and unmotivated to write these essays, honestly. And the more I fret about it, the more I don't want to write it. It just sucks, I can't wait for this to be all over. Ugh I so cannot wait.

I'm just thinking, I keep imagining "Application: Rejected" but almost never imagine "Application: accepted". I feel more prepared for a rejection than an acceptance, it's weird.

I just hope all my contentions are completely wrong honestly lol. I'm such a weird kid. It truly takes a caring person like God or my angel or whoever to put up with my skepticism and my foolishness and my depression and my problems with laziness and whatnot. But I appreciate it. I appreciate everything, as much as it sucks sometimes.

Though at the moment, I can't really say how much I appreciate this stress lol.

I think maaaaaaaaybe more than my own application, if my best friend gets into the college she wants to get into, I will be so so so so so so so happy for her. She is so smart, so nice, so talented, so hardworking (as lazy as she says she is), she just deserves the world. I'm rooting for her! And I need to get her a birthday present....chocolate and...orange soda. I'm trying to think what else I can get her...

Alright enough college talk!

では
じゃ

This is so frustrating. So friggin frustrating.

I'm trying to stay optimistic in every single way possible. But deep, deep down inside, I feel so sure that I won't get into the college that I want to get into. So sure. I think the errors I made with my application outweigh the things that make me "stand out." It sucks so bad, and maybe I'm not supposed to get into this school. Maybe I'll love the school I do end up going to. But it sucks, it sucks so much. I just don't want to go through this anymore. And I feel like my pessimism and my thoughts that "oh, by thinking I won't get in, maybe God will help me get in" are just solidifying that fact. It sucks so much, I don't think I can put it in better words. It sucks. Right now, I'm really like 85% pessimism, 10% optimism, 5% don't really give a damn.

SFKDJFKSFJEKLSJFLEJMQKLJMFOIJPAJDP;LDAK this is the worst situation for someone with minimal self-esteem to begin with. School is crap and I keep bashing myself and then this. It's a test it's a test. Maybe. I don't know. I hate not knowing and I hate feeling like shit. And this sucks, everything just sucks. When will things get better? I don't think I can wait any longer.

では。
じゃ。

I always hear about people having weird, strangely coincidental experiences, and I think...what are the odds, really?

Well today, I had one of those experiences. And now I know the odds are pretty good.

I met my Chemistry teacher from sophomore year at MOMA during a school field trip. I suppose meeting him period is really bizarre on its own, but the fact that off any place and of all days, we met at the same building, at the same place of the building, at the same time is beyond comprehensible. Like, I truly honestly believe that I was faced with this situation for some reason. There's not other explanation for it. This dude who got fired after his first year and now happens to be teaching at some town maybe a half an hour away, and I meet him there? On a school field trip?

In all honesty, I would not mind if it were anyone other than him. My honest, honest feelings are that he is awkward, strange, and I don't wish to associate myself with him, and I was embarrassed to see/talk to him, right in front of my friends. It was just so awkward. So, so awkward. I didn't try hard not to be rude because I was so embarrassed. I know that sounds juvenile and mean, but I'm not going to pretend like it didn't bother me because it did bother me and it still bothers me, and I truly hope I don't have to see him again.

It's just so strange because, many times, even recently I though "What if I saw Mr.X somewhere? I wonder what he would look like..." and out of nowhere, it actually happens. Of course, I've always believed in God, but no one can deny that this isn't beyond coincidence.

I don't know whether I'm more embarrassed or shocked, but I'm equally uncomfortable. It's so weird, it's so weird...

では。
じゃ。

How's it going everyone?

I'm doing pretty well, I suppose. Got dropped on my head today. It snowed a bit yesterday. Getting close to finishing my primary college application. Feeling alright.

So, I get embarassed/pissed of/annoyed by the dumbest things. Like seriously, the dumbest things.

I was deciding which teachers to ask for a college recommendation. I definitely wanted to ask my Physics teacher from last year, she's freaking amazing. Then I thought about recommendation number two. I was split between my Spanish teacher and my current Chemistry teacher. I was afraid that my Spanish teacher would be too honest and slam me on the recommendation. And I thought it might be better to get a recommendation from a teacher that teaches something pertaining to my interests. Not that I like Chemistry all that much, but at the time I thought, hey, why not. Now I feel like such an idiot. She sounded very supportive and willing to do my application, and at the time I was happy. Then I thought about something she said. She's had me for not even a month. She doesn't know me that well. And now I feel like a complete idiot for even asking her. I decided that I would ask my Spanish teacher on Monday for a recommendation instead, and maybe keep my application from my Chemistry teacher just in case. But I'm feeling pretty, pretty stupid, for a silly, silly reason. Nothing I can do now though.

It's the weekend. I need to chill.

では。
じゃ。

I hate not being able to concentrate.
I don't know if its all the noise around me.
I don't know if it's just that I suck at concentrating.
But I hate not being able to concentrate and focus.
I'm seriously going to fail at...everything if I don't get this straightened out.

I just don't know how.

Dammit.

I usually only post here to vent about something I'm really concerned about, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

This week was...exhausting mentally and physically, to say the least.

If I remember correctly, last year at the beginning wasn't so peachy either. My insecurity and sense of awkwardness and sociableness is kicking in again, and once again, I'm letting it overwhelm me. I guess I'm still learning, but...

I'll be honest. I think I'm a very awkward person. I never, ever know what to say, when to say, when not to be so serious, when to not take things so seriously, etc. etc. I feel like I need a lesson in not being such a gloomy, awkward loner. I don't know how I should go about fixing this but, I'm trying without a doubt.

I don't know what to do about my classes either, and college and SATs and whatnot.

It's only September. It's only September.

I just want Christmas and snow to come already...

では。
じゃ。

So, today I went to a friends house.
I was kind of nervous because I never hang out with this guy outside of school. In fact he's the first guy whose house I've gone to. We're good friends I suppose, but I was terrified that it would be awkward. He's the touchy-feely type, and I've experienced his touchy-feely-ness many a time. To my surprise though, it was...not so touchy-feely. It was actually pretty fun.

BUT while I was there, he called one of my other good friends. Actually great friends who I'd be devastated if I lost her or hurt her or anything. And I know that she has an issue with the guy whose house I went to because of his touchy-feely-ness. And I talked about her behind her back. What kind of friend am I really?
Anyways he called her while I was there, and he was being very immature and obnoxious. Like "xx Marry me!" And then out of nowhere he's like "(Me) is here, and she thinks you should too." And I wanted to be like...FU. Like seriously FU. I just sent her a message apologizing for that retarded message he sent her (because I called her earlier), I just hope from the bottom of my heart she understands. Ugh, what to do...

I really really hate how unconscious I am when I wake up in the morning. I'm half conscious and half out of my wits, so the things I think about are things I KNOW I should/would never ever think about because I feel like God will be angry with me if I do, because bad things (or at the time bad I guess) have happened and I relate those things to my bizarre thoughts. And I'm scared something else very bad will happen if I keep thinking these thoughts. I don't know what I'm saying. I do, but...I dunno. It's scary.

では。
じゃ。

I neglect this journal so much...
I don't have much to say though. Let's see if I can pull something out of my thoughts.

As much as I haaaate school, I have to say the end of the year is my favorite time of the year. So many holidays, and my two favorites, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I cannot wait really.
I can wait though, because during this period, I'll be busy busy busy with essays and whatnot for college apps. And school. And everything.
Speaking of college (and God knows how often I think about this), I can't express in words how badly I want to attend the college my brother goes to. Everything about it is so perfect, and I would be so ecstatic if I could go there. It's just, my brother makes it sounds like it's going to be SO EASY for me to get in. Now, I've learned that my brother ISN'T always right, so I'm not getting ahead of myself at all, in fact, I'm more scared than anything. If I don't get in, I'll be heartbroken. But if I do, I'll be so grateful. My grades are so-so (except in Pre-calc, if only I could erase those grades from history...), I don't do many extra curriculars, I independently study Japanese and now Korean, and...that's pretty much it. I don't know what exactly I have going for me. All I can do is hope, pray, and do my best.

In other news...

では。
じゃ。

This clip gave me quite a laugh. This person truly likes CL, huh?
I have to say it was really, really good though!

One misfortune brings another good thing.

So I ended up not going to volunteering today because I couldn't find my clothes, which might I say I'm still a bit irritated about. HOWEVER..
I have no reason to complain, because my brother and I spent a good hour working on my college application, and I have to say it was actually kinda fun. Or relieving, I'm not sure.
It certainly AMELIORATED (SAT word) the stress of the application process though, I can say that much.

Lately I've been doing nothing but Japanese study...

では。
じゃ。

And here we go again, as my mom said.

I've said in the past that we never stay in a house for more than 2 years. Last time, we got lucky (ish..), this time, we didn't even manage to reach the 1 year mark.

I feel to some extend that is is punishment for something very, very wrong that I did, and I accept that. It's not really a good thing to continually get kicked out of your own house and live in a hotel time and time again, but to some extent, I'm "used to it", if that's a proper way to convey my feelings.

I'm not gonna lie, yeah, it sucks major, but everything is a life lesson. God has taught me an awful lot about that, and more than ever, I was so happy to see my family, and myself, stand strong and even let out a few laughs now and again. After we started unloading stuff into storage however (or even sometime before that) tension started to emerge and everything got kinda tedious and annoying.

Now we're at a hotel, dad's out doing something and getting us food, brother's taking a shower, mom has a headache so she's sleeping, my pup-boy is sleeping, and I'm here actually somewhat at ease despite the situation.

I'm such a freaking emotional person though. Thinking about this (about how everything was so easy-going and how even I took it well for the most part) I'm getting kinda teary-eyed. Good teary-eyed-ness though lol.

Let's hope all goes well. I'm more than confident that something fantastic will come about. Much, much more than confident.
And I have a DESK. How awesome is that?

OHHHHHHHHHHH and before I forget...

2NE1'S MINI-ALBUM IS OUT. GO GET TO IT RIGHT NOW.

In the meantime, let's whore out Fire and Lollipop. And as an added bonus, I included one of my favorite songs at the moment, Come Back to Me by Mate.



では～
おやすみ。

Seo Taijiという韓国の歌手によって「Morning Snow（朝の雪）」のPVが公開されました。
いい曲でね～

日本語で日記を書いたのは久しぶりね。

最近Lang-8ってサイトによって日記を書いてるんだ。ここで、とっさに日本人や日本語のできる人に間違いを添削されてくれる。
LJは絶望だよね。

夏休みだからやっぱり毎日は余暇になった。ボランティア活動以外就職以外毎分は余暇だ。

では。
じゃ。

DONE WITH SCHOOL~ WOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

I celebrated with a delicious turkey and jalapeno sandwich.

Now I get to chill.

As much as I want.

As long as I want.

Oh how I missed thee, summer.

Oh, and self-note, remember the date June 16.

では。
じゃ。

It's so weird.

So here's the story.

There's this girl on my bus. She's my next door neighbor, and she's a year younger than me. This entire year, we've practically ignored each others existence and haven't spoken a single word despite walking to the same place.

The other day, I decided, "Suck it up and say something." So I did. And we made conversation. And I was pretty damn happy.
And I still am.

I just find it so strange that a few days ago we were like mental enemies and now we're like talking to each other in the hall and everything.

I mean, I don't mind. It's just difficult to compute in my mind lol.

Whatever. It just sucks that schools over in like three weeks though.

では。
じゃ。

I've gotten very lazy with this journal, huh?
I guess my reasons are:
1) I haven't had many issues that I really needed to get out
2) Even the issues I did have, I was too lazy to type out
3) I've been doing pretty well lately
4) I'm lazy
5) I'm enjoying partial freedom from school

Nothing much has been going on. School is over in less than a month, of course my birthday recently passed, I'm still bombing math, I got into NHS (which, looking at the members, doesn't feel like a tremendous honor, but I should really shut up and stop complaining), the weather has been absolutely perfect for May, despite my allergies, my brother came home last week, and that's about it.

I guess recently (like really recent like this past week), my self-esteem has kinda crept back up to haunt me, kinda like a cold sore (which might I add I know the BEST remedy for -two, maybe three days and its out with a few steps-).

The thing I hate most about high school is being part of such a small, small class. I truly cannot wait for college where I'll have more liberty to interact with younger and older group, but for now, I'm stuck with the people I know.

It's probably just a spur of the moment feeling, but one of my friends, or perhaps a couple my friends, have been pushing my buttons. One thing I learned from my experience last year is not to let anyone, anyone push me around or make me upset in any way. It's just that, these individuals have kinda been annoying me, practically treating me like I don't exist unless they need me to do something or want to comment about something I say. It hasn't gotten to the point that I really want to be like FUCK OFF PLEASE, but it's irritating. And there are times when she becomes my friend again...occasionally. The other individuals are ok, except for one who irritates me a degree or two more than the previous person.

And then there's my brother. The one thing I don't like about my brother being home is how he shows how much of a loner child I am. He's all buddy-buddy with my parents, always cracking jokes, always chit-chatting, and I'm just there on the sidelines. I can't say its something to complain about because I CHOOSE to be this way, and I don't particularly care to change, but it's just like...great, the golden child is home again. Among the other ways he outshines me...but that's another story.

That's about it, I guess. I'm a bit worried about what I'm going to do over summer. I really want to get a job. My friends are all doing amazing study programs, and I'm just here, sitting on my ass, playing putt putt and watching 2NE1 perform "Fire". What a summer. I really hope I get something to keep me busy though. I'd love to go overseas.

Speaking of 2NE1, I really hate that YG is making their performances 1-per-week. 2NE1's fire is going to burn out soon, and yes, pun intended.

では。
じゃ。

あと5分じゃ誕生日。
凄くない？

いい日だといいんだけど。
山盛りのケーキが食べたい。

では。
じゃ。

Actually, that phrase has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was interesting lol.

I'm a rather happy camper. I got into the National Honors Society, which I never ever expect to get into because I lacked two of the most significant qualities. I'm happy though, not complaining. I guess anything can happen.

Next week is going to be quite amazing. Monday and Tuesday I get to go into school late, Wednesday my brother is coming home, Thursday is my birthday, and Friday my Physics class is off to Six Flags for the day. How awesome is that?

How awesome is that?

では。
じゃ。

2NE1's new song, "FIRE". CL is awesome~

(HTML fail. Wow I've forgotten how to use LJ.)


では。
じゃ。

I haven't posted in ages it seems...

Have I been busy? Mmm, not so much.

I haven't really been doing much of anything.

I have a major, major exam every week for the next three weeks which I SHOULD be studying for, but........

It's been hot the past few days, and I really can't stand it.
Bring back winter おねがいします。

Pretty much that.

では。
じゃ。