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For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
02 March 2014 @ 10:56 pm
I'll just apologize in advance because this is going to be a slightly angry post that normally I would restrict to my normal 140 character tweets, but recent developments have filled me with so much frustration that I could tweet for days and never get my message across (not as fluidly, at least).

People remind me every day, through their actions and the incredible things with which they are bestowed, that I go to school in a bubble. There are many bubbles in the world (I lived in one since fourth grade) but this bubble in particular has really shown me how simple-minded and entitled some people are. I have a friend who I have known for the past four years. This friend and I are on completely and entirely opposite ends of the household income spectrum. Her idea of being frugal is buying a $10 meal rather than a $14 meal...several times a week. She gets upset because she desperately wants to go to Europe with her family...although she was just there a few months ago. And she recently hopped on a plane, spontaneously, to go visit family, a day after seeing one of the concerts of her dreams. She lives a wonderful lifestyle, has her career set at a very convenient company (and I do mean convenient), yet everything in her life is a "disaster." And I do understand that those with money have their share of problems as well, but her problems are so unbelievably and indescribably not problems that I avoid her on the regular simply so that I don't have to hear her mind-numbingly petty venting day in and day out.

And then there are those who take for granted the money that has been invested in their futures, only to squander it away because they know they have more of that to fall back on. And yet somehow, by God's grace I suppose, they still manage to find success while those who have truly exerted themselves to reach those goals are pushed aside. I fortunately have not been a victim of this foolishness but I have seen many of my friends fall victim to it, and it baffles me how their hard work is disregarded for the "work" of those who I sincerely believe are not nearly as deserving as many, actually, most others.

I am not in any way, shape, or form blaming my situation for my lack of success or ungrateful for the lessons that I have learned from my less than desirable circumstances. But it's absolutely astounding how many similarly ignorant people plague the Earth and are given that extra push to achieve their goals while the rest of us are left to rot. The rest of us who legitimately understand the struggles of the world, experience those struggles, and don't feign understanding because we took a class on poverty or utilized the power of Google.

I would say, let's see where we all end up in 20 years, but we all know that while I may be successful in my endeavors, so will they, because let's be real, the amount fairness there is in this world is restricted to very few circumstances.

You get what you deserve...and painfully often what you don't deserve.

Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
31 December 2013 @ 02:44 am

And so it has come, finally. The last day of 2013.

I'm very apathetic to this past year, but I'd rather that than have weathered an atrociously miserable past 12 months. I made some big, somewhat life-changing (or rather direction-changing) decisions that, even several weeks later, I cannot say with full confidence I am content with my decisions.

As happy as I am that so many people around me have their futures figured out, there's an innate, envious feeling inside of me that I cannot ignore, no matter how much I fake a smile for those people, or fake excitement, or fake a non-heartfelt "Congratulations!" I can't help but feel gypped, even though I'm positive I haven't exerted myself nearly as much as many of those around me. Freshman year I came in with my head in the books and over time it seems like I forgot that I came to school to study. Regardless, I am hopelessly awaiting my chance to flaunt even an ounce of success (although I did, for no reason whatsoever, get my photo in an Ivy medical school magazine). I'm hoping that 2014 brings that opportunity.

In addition to medical school, the second big decision I made (or will make I should say) has been unnecessarily unnerving, and I say unnecessarily because all signs have told me to abandon ship. I spent a good 7 months of my college career emotionally suffering over one individual, only to have him forget that I was the one who stood by his side in his time of greatest weakness. And not just him, but also some people who I consider(ed) some of my closest friends. In retrospect, I should have noticed the warning signs, not just in terms of what I wrote above but all the things that have led me to make this decision, but my mind was fooled by the illusion of love. The illusion that I needed someone by my side to make me happy. The illusion that the flaws of our relationship were typical and that I shouldn't be concerned. The illusion that we would last "forever." And then God shook me, nudged me, waved every flag possible to bring me back to my senses. I wasn't happy, and it is not fair to me to have my happiness sacrificed for his or anyone else's happiness. I'm grateful for the learning experience, but I'm honestly disappointed in myself for even reaching this point. I know I'm stronger than that. I have way more self-confidence than that, and I acknowledge my self-worth enough that "love" should not have gotten in the way.

Regardless, as I said, I am grateful for the experience. It was fun while it lasted, and I guess I realized that there is at least one person in the world willing to deal with my quirks and neuroces. Maybe we'll rekindle again after we're both making bank in several years. Maybe we'll take what we learned from each other and carry on. We'll see, but for now this chapter has ended.

I know I always, always say that I am terrified of what the New Year will bring, but this time the feeling is warranted. In about 5 months my undergraduate career will conclude, in 8 months I will be God-knows-where, most of my friends and I will be geographically separated permanently, and (hopefully) my future will be decided. I have literally absolutely no clue where 2014 will take me, but I'm praying for a smooth ride. Or decently smooth, at the very least. Thank God I made it through another year in one piece.

And below are my top 12 songs of 2013! They're in no particular order, with the exception of #1 which is my #1 song of 2013, mostly because of the meaning behind the lyrics, and might possibly be the first song I listen to in 2014. Two of them were released before 2013 but I first heard them this year. Three of them I first heard within the last week, including my #1 choice. Listen, enjoy, and see you again in 2014!

  1. Ailee - Higher (video below)

  2. Ludovico Einaudi - Oltremare (did not come out this year)

  3. Nell - Ocean of Light

  4. Girl's Day - Female President

  5. Andamiro - Waiting

  6. Ailee - U&I

  7. Sleeping At Last - We're Still Here (also did not come out this year)

  8. G-Dragon - COUP D`ETAT feat. Diplo and Baauer

  9. Spica - Tonight

  10. Zedd - Clarity

  11. Taeyang - Ringa Linga

  12. Fall Out Boy - Just One Yesterday

  13. *Special Shoutout* Yoo Sung Eun - Healing


Current Mood: まあまあ
Current Music: Ailee - Higher
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
19 November 2013 @ 02:38 am

I've had a lot of firsts in college, and to add to this list I am including the first time I've ever had to break up with someone.

It's such a strange feeling from the perpetrator's point of view because I was no where near as sad as he was and I obviously had the time to mentally prepare myself for the impending disaster. It seems almost unfair and heartless of me to drop the ball like that with almost no warning. But I knew what had to be done and it was done. And I feel so much better now that all of this has been said.

My biggest fear is that he'll feel abandoned, which (even though I got called out for being a horrible person) is not at all what I'm hoping to achieve. I wish the best for him, as I do for everyone, but I wish the best for myself as well and I know my limits.

And for the 1,000th time, that limit has been reached. And so it shall end as such.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
05 November 2013 @ 08:08 pm

My thoughts are sometimes so hypocritical that I don't understand them myself. Caution: sappy, whiny post ahead.

I consider myself to be a good person, but good people don't acknowledge that they are good people, do they?

I do kind things for people for no real reason, but does it make those actions really kind if I acknowledge that they are?

Am I wrong for wanting my kindness to be acknowledged? To be appreciated?

Should I just stop exerting myself for others? Does that make me a horrible person?

And above all, why am I not taking better care of myself? Because, after all, this society has adopted an "every man for himself" attitude.

Should I just follow the trend? Will that make me happier? Will that make me a "good" or "bad" human being, if there are such delegations?

I asked for a good cry, and I received. This is just the last trickle, and for that I apologize.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
20 October 2013 @ 02:58 am

What an eventful end to my last undergraduate fall break - partying with random people well out of college, married or in some kind of a relationship, dressed up as Nicki Minaj (and did a damn good job of it, if I may say so myself).

Not to sound snobbish or pretentiously beyond my years, but I realized that these are the kind of parties I enjoy the most and want to take part in. Parties where everyone can drink and have a good time and socialize but no one is passing out, rolling on the floors. Chatting with people about random ass things, having a few beers (and a few shots of Patrón Cafe), and hanging out with my roommate was, second to seeing my family and dog, the highlight of my break. I'm always grateful for her invitation and humiliated by the fact that I can't return the favor.

Which brings me to my next (almost) 3AM blurb. The stark contrast between my lifestyle and that of my roommate is hysterical, and almost too good to be true. As if God wanted to show me what life is like from the other side because that one point in my life that I partied like a rockstar I took advantage of that or didn't bother to consider, even once, the grass on the other side. The side I experience everytime I come up here, and for the past 3 years that I've lived with my roommate, is without a doubt lusher and greener, while the other side is trying but failing not to emulate desert ground - dried up, crackling, no vegetation, and hardcore struggling.

It amuses me, and especially after spending a week home and then coming here, it's even more vivid. It's certainly a struggle, and while I wish things were better, I don't regret not basking in the extreme affluence that is this world.

The day I show everyone, anyone, who I am behind the mask will be one for the books.

But that will have to wait a while longer.

Back to school.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
12 October 2013 @ 12:36 am
In just under two weeks, I will have hit the 2 months mark of my senior year.

Despite how bleak my prospects were about this year, things so far have been a lot less miserable than I expected (or at least less miserable than my first couple of weeks). Classes are going well, I've adjusted slightly more to the distance, and although I have yet to take my medical school exam or apply for any kind of job or post-graduate program, I'm unreasonably optimistic about the future. It still sucks not living on campus, I can't lie about that, but I get to see everyone I want to see in healthy doses, which suffices for me. I've come to terms for the most part with the fact that I will not be part of any class of 2017 and that I will be broke as hell for several years. But it's where I want to go, as foolish as some may say I am, and if that's how I have to get there, then so be it. Post-bac, here we come.

It's also very interesting to take note of how distance impacts relationships. Although I expected many rifts to develop this year, it's happening a lot faster than I thought it would, and with almost everyone. I still find it outstanding how once you're no longer within walking distance, some people who you thought were your best friends decide that it's not worth investing their time in overcoming the obstacle to maintain the friendship. And that's alright, because then you have others who are in fact willing to go out of their way to keep in touch. I'm blessed to say that from day one at this school, I surrounded myself with people who continue to reach out to me and seek my company, and I don't know what I would do without them. But in just about six weeks I've seen some great relationships, friends and significant others, crumble to absolutely nothing, and it's so sad to watch from the sidelines because there's nothing I can do to make it better. It's these types of situations that make you realize who really cares for you, as sad as that may be.

Tomorrow is fall break. I get to go home, reunite with my little boy (words cannot express how much I miss him) and the rest of my family, and escape my bubble of peace, happiness, and indifference. I have no idea what to expect, as always. And I am quite nervous, as always. But for once I must say I am thrilled to be getting away, even just for a short while.

Boring life update. I'm clearly doing senior year wrong.

Current Mood: いいわよ
Current Music: Lim Kim - Voice
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
15 September 2013 @ 11:57 pm
Almost a month into my final year as an undergraduate.

I'd venture to say that almost all of my fears regarding how this year would progress have been realized. My friends are all dispersed throughout the Main Line, and so I definitely do not see them with the same regularity as I did the last three years. I feel so spoiled having lived my first two years in such a community-oriented atmosphere, and my third year with all of my good friends in close proximity. Although I live with the same roommate I've had since freshman year, it certainly does feel lonely sometimes because of how my last three years went, and it doesn't help that I have no immediate mode of transportation to even slightly correct that. I suppose it's good in one sense because I have no distractions and I can sincerely invest my thoughts in my work and applications and studying. And do on many occasions desperately need alone time. But the isolation gets to me from time to time.

Not having campus easily accessible also means that I have to truncate my extracurricular time. And that is usually how I fill that emptiness so the fact that I no longer have those outlets is somewhat unnerving. I know it's probably a good thing because I do in fact need to buckle down and focus on studying for MCATs but I can't help feeling unsettled by the fact that I'm not and can't be running around 24/7 like I did every other year. It's still early in the year, and I have many ideas for filling my free time that will hopefully be put into practice.

However, I am very thankful that I have people willing to put up with my lack of...mobility (for lack of better phrasing) and continue to make an effort to keep in touch. It makes me realize that I do have great friends that are willing to maintain our friendship.

It's a different lifestyle that I'm still slowly getting used to.

Current Mood: まあまあ
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
19 August 2013 @ 03:55 pm

You ever have those days that you're just convinced that the world is on a mission to make you feel as shitty as humanly possible, just enough to make you want to cry?

I've been having those days. A lot of those days, in fact. I'm shocked because I have yet to have a full on breakdown but I definitely feel it coming. That point when the feelings just become to much to handle and I need a good cry to just let it all out. Some people scream, some people become violent, some people become shut ins. Everyone has a different stress outlet. My outlet is crying. I almost never cry in front of people unless I'm truly and utterly broken, and I haven't had much alone time over the past few days so my tears are internally accumulating.

I feel like the world is moving on and I'm the last one to follow. Everyone seems to have their lives in check, and everyone seems to have a lot going for them. I feel like I'm stuck, going nowhere, no good prospects, with absolutely nothing to look forward to. I feel like I've failed in so many ways and there's no way I can take it back.

I've tried everything, literally everything to make myself feel better and nothing has worked. Nothing. And sometimes I don't know what to do or why I'm even bothering to make this work if it's all going to end up shitty anyways.

Let the tears ensue.

For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
04 August 2013 @ 02:42 am

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, my summer in NYC has come to a close. For some reason I didn't leave feeling as distraught as I was a few days ago, but I still miss city life and all those with whom I got to enjoy it.

This summer, as with every summer, had its ups and downs and flew by so incredibly fast. I got to travel a lot (relative to my normal stationary lifestyle), ironically didn't explore NYC as much as I would have liked, learned a lot about my future goals, and made many decisions in that respect. After whining like a little bitch the first month of vacation and then not having my expectations entirely met, I realized that I need to learn to take a chill pill and enjoy every day for what it is, even if I sleep through half of it.

I cannot say that I'm excited for these next 2.5 weeks, nor am I excited to return to school. A lot of work needs to be done before then, and I'm not sure I'm ready to face that reality. The lack of freedom, as always, will be a minor but temporary change. I have no idea what is going to happen with my living situations. I haven't finalized my courses. I haven't entirely decided what to do about graduate school. I'm terrified of what the end of the year has in store.

But for now, I will recover from my lack of sleep and attempt to keep my mind and soul at peace. I'm happy to see my family again, but NYC and Cornell will always hold a special place in my heart, even if I never step foot in the UES again.

Thank you God for a whirlwind of a summer. And please hold me up through the next several days because I don't know if I can manage on my own.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
24 June 2013 @ 01:02 am
It feels like the weekend zipped past me in the blink of an eye.

Nothing too exceptional happened, but it was great (and strange) to be back. I finally got to see a lot of faces that I haven't seen in about 6 weeks, got to visit my home institution and see it being torn apart which was disheartening, got my favorite bubble tea in the entire world, and most importantly I got to take a break from the hectic atmosphere that is NYC. Not that things aren't going well; that is far from the truth, in fact. But after having so much information thrown at me and meeting so many new people and places and adjusting my daily habits and everything I just really needed to step back for a moment, which I had the chance to do and enjoyed thoroughly. I may have developed an interest in golf after trying it for the first time ever out in the field in front of my soon-to-be new apartment. And the area around there is so absolutely indescribably stunning that it looks like it doesn't belong there, and it made me more excited to move in next year.

Certain things that shall remain unmentioned (in part because I have officially given up trying to interpret my brain) either made me really happy or helped me get closer to some conclusions, or both. One thing that I can say, after all the tears and whining and bitching and moaning and complaining, is that I am actually thoroughly grateful that I did not stay on or near campus this summer. Things are significantly different from what I expected, including the destruction of my beloved campus, and so I'm happy that I can spend this summer being involved in a completely new experience with new people in a new place. There's a lot to do here and many places to explore so I can't say that I'm missing out on much back at school. The distance from people with whom I spend months upon months all school year long has been refreshing. I'll admit I was misguided, ignorant, and jumped to many conclusions that I had no real reason to make.

But anyway, I made it home safe and sound, albeit I almost ended up several miles away from dorm because the subway is confusing as shit. I scrubbed away the "remnants" of this weekend and I'm ready to make a fresh start this week, hopefully more energetic than last week.

I don't know if the city can handle me in all my glory. But we'll make it work.

Current Mood: いい
Current Music: MiChi - PROMiSE