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For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
24 April 2015 @ 02:38 am
In just under 2 weeks my adventurous post-bac year will come to a close. In just under 4 months I will take the first steps to becoming a full-fledged doctor, an MD, a healthcare practitioner, and a real person.

It's hard to explain to people who have never been in my shoes how surreal it feels. For many (if not most) of my peers, taking that leap to the next level was as easy as cake. Without a doubt, and few obstacles, they reached for the stars they've always wanted and got them. And this is not to discredit the hard work that many of them have endured; hard work does often pay off. But when you're someone who always has some ongoing struggle, someone who's been told "no" more than she can count, someone who has the hardest time believing she is deserving of any good forture, it's difficult to accept that this is not a cruel dream.

I know, I know. Woe is me for reaching higher education while many people can only dream of...any education. I don't think my struggles are nearly as bad as they could be and I am eternally grateful and blessed to be in this position.

But I pictured these days to be much more...satisfying a year ago. Much more joyful and thrilling. I guess its because I'm always preparing myself for the next obstacle, the next barrier to my reach my dreams. My dream of going to Japan, for example, has pretty much solidified into that - an indelible mark of unsuccessful perserverance branded in the depths of my brain to forever haunt me of what never was and may never be. I'm scarred, terrified that this is also a cruel dream that I'll be awakened from, only to discover that the obstacles persist. Whenever I get close to success, something always leads me to failure, and it's often myself.

I'm not trying to be an ungrateful, whiny snot. I'm going to medical school, I just got employed, I have a place to sleep and food to eat. I'm grateful, I really am.

I'm just in denial.
I'm always in denial.

For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
18 March 2015 @ 07:34 pm
It is always good to have inspiration. It is even better to set goals from your inspiration. But don't ever aspire to be anyone but yourself. There is no other you in this world, and believe it or not there is someone who does, has, or will look up to you. You will become their inspiration.

Inspiration is contagious. It creeps through the thickest of skin, seeps through the cracks of your broken heart, and colonizes in your fragile soul. There are many drugs -hate, fear, depression, anger, disappointment, sadness- that attempt to eliminate the "threat" of ambition, but it can never fully be destroyed. It thrives, and thrives, and thrives, until an explosion of passion emerges from the surface. And the remnants will hide away in their enclosure, waiting for the next spark of encouragement to flourish. And before you know it, you've transmitted your inspiration to someone else.

And now to return back to Gross Anatomy...

Current Mood: いいよ
Current Music: HA:TFELT - There Will Be
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
05 March 2015 @ 01:48 pm
Another day, another snow storm. At least this time the forecast was pretty accurate, unlike previous instances when the forecast dipped from a few feet to less than an inch. This winter has been quite a farce compared to last year.

I don't really have anything coherent to talk about, or at least nothing new. I haven't posted in a while and I have a lot on my mind, although I'm not really certain how to formulate it into something that makes sense.

It's so hard trying to be the best that you can be when the world is telling you that it's not enough. Everyday that I think I have succeeded, my happiness is thwarted by the words and reactions of people deprecating me because it's not good enough. I always try to ignore the side comments and snarkiness and lack of interest because I know I have a goal that needs to be accomplished, but it's such a struggle watching others succeed while you're hanging out on the side-lines when you thought you did so well. Deep down I know that I have made more strides in my life than many people could, but I cannot help but feel inadequate sometimes. Not all the time, but definitely sometimes.

It doesn't help that I feel trapped in my own introverted mind 100% of the time. I always wonder, as a future physician attempting to attribute every problem to science, if I have some kind of disease that I pop a pill, get better, and call it a day. It's hard to overcome and it's even harder to not have anyone who can sympathize with my problems. It's like a chronic illness that never seems to get any better and there is no known cure for. I made a challenge at the beginning of this year to live each day in happiness and adventure, and so far none of this has really come to fruition.

I hope that I can have a more carefree, not stressful, and very successful rest of the year. That's about all I can do I think.

Current Mood: 分からない
Current Music: The Script - For the First Time
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
26 February 2015 @ 04:59 pm
I don't think I've ever just posted a picture. But this HONY post is literally my life, all day, everyday, to a T.

For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
31 December 2014 @ 11:54 pm
Although I ended up being very busy this New Year (spending it away from my family for the first time ever) I had to make sure to post one final post this year, following tradition.

I had some outstanding moments this year, moments that I never expected to happen. I am so grateful to God for everything. I am still, and will always be terrified of coming change. But I am mostly anticipating this year for two main reasons: getting into medical school and a much more peaceful, agony free year for the world.

I cannot believe that I am so close to one of my biggest lifetime dreams. I may never go to Japan, or not for a while at least, but this is almost entirely in my control and I intend to not fail at my endeavor.

There have been one two many painfully sad news stories this year, and I hope that no one ever has to experience such anguish ever again, as unattainable as that may be.

I hope for a safe, happy, and healthy 2015 for everyone and anyone.

And finally my song of the year, Up and Down by EXID.

For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
22 December 2014 @ 04:24 pm
The first semester of my gap year has officially concluded and I am officially on my way to my own precious white coat.

As 2014 comes to a close (and I'll probably do a year-end post) I must say that I am very proud of the progress and decisions that I have made. Despite anyone trying to bring me down, discredit my success, and doubting my potential, I am slowly but surely proving everyone wrong. I have already achieved more than many people with whom I have graduated, and I am on my way to bigger and better things.

But in spite of my achievements, I know that I still have a semester to go and will not let my current success get in the way of my hard work over the next few months. It definitely helps my confidence, that's for sure.

Current Mood: うれしい
Current Music: Nell - Four Times Around the Sun
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
16 September 2014 @ 05:40 am

You know those days where everything just feels like such a fail? Today was one of those days. Heck, the past few days have be "one of those day." Which is so bizzare because I accomplished an amazing thing; I beat a medical school class average on an exam. That's an amazing feat in fact. But, I fell into a post-exam lull; that lull you get when you've toiled to reach such great lengths, then you reach the pinnacle, gaze across a tremendous horizon of success and achievement. And then you climb back down, level by level, until you've reached the very bottom and that transient moment of joy is but a memory.

I'm not entirely sure where this stream of consciousness came from or is going to be honest. Maybe it's the change in weather, or the fact that this year is somewhat rapidly winding down. The weather has almost overnight turned chilly. I can't help but think back on the struggles of this year, and how many more struggles are ahead. So much sadness in the world, I really do wish to keep at bay for everyone, from everyone.

I think this calls for a pick-me-up treat tomorrow.


For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
04 August 2014 @ 01:53 am
I had been meaning to post since last week and just never got around to it. I felt obliged to do so now since I'll be going to orientation #2 for my post-bac/early assurance program in about three days.

Since I last posted, I completed the summer portion of my program. As much as I love meeting new people and making new friends, it's always a challenge working with different personalities, habits, and attitudes. Everyone (generally) was pretty nice and fun to hang out with nonetheless and my suitemates were very chill. I got to take a break from them now and then seeing my own friends, which was awesome. I'm a bit peeved at the administration and their dealing with certain attributes of the program, but the program itself is a great opportunity and I'm blessed to be in this position. I am also blessed to have successfully achieved the MCAT score required for this program and so I will never, ever have to take it again...assuming all goes well this year. I am actually excited for my classes, mostly because I am familiar with a lot of the material, but also because I get to have somewhat of a medical school experience. I mean, to some degree at least, since my lectures are actually simulcast. I really "enjoyed" studying this summer, and although the real thing will be more daunting because my exams are going to be legitimate, I am excited for the challenge.

And I am again blessed because I will be living with one of my best friends from undergrad (and another girl from our undergrad who we'll just say I have to really warm up to). Our apartment is nice and clean, but we're on the top floor of a building with no elevators, and the apartment is small for three people. I'm being a bit...forward-thinking, I guess, by planning my move for next summer lol. I'm generally a low-maintenance girl but I do very much so value comfort and safety, neither of which I can say with full confidence this apartment delivers. But nonetheless I have a place to live at the end of the day.

Although it is not, and will never be, my beloved NYC, this city holds a piece of my heart, as does my undergrad which I plan on visiting with decent but not outrageous regularity. I realized through my summer roommate and other people in my program that family, friends, and whatever you call "home" are truly irreplaceable and it really breaks your spirit when you have to let them go. Most of the program students are 24+ and many of them have told me numerous times that they're amazed by how many of my friends I got to see this summer, because they have lost so many throughout the dawn of their post-undergrad life, including best friends. I hope to never, ever face such a bleak reality. I feel no shame in admitting that without my friends I'd be a pretty sad person (more than I am already, at least). I have friends who I can visit throughout the year, and even those who I can't visit I still contact often enough, whenever I want. I can hop on a bus to go home whenever I want. I can ride the train back to my undergrad to visit old friends and professors and the towns, stores, and restaurants I still cherish, whenever I want. I cannot say for sure that if I applied to medical school a year ago that I would have the same opportunity, but in this moment I cannot envision a more perfect circumstance. Regardless of the outcome of this year, I am forever grateful and I know that I am loved. The rest of the year is on me.

I think have spewed enough verbal cheese for one night.

Current Mood: いい
Current Music: A-bee - Arch from HIKARIST
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.
17 June 2014 @ 07:32 pm
I haven't posted (publicly) in a while. A bit has changed since I graduated exactly 1 month ago to the day.

It definitely does not feel like an entire month has passed and that July is almost here. I guess the only reason for this is, with the exception of two or three days, I essentially did nothing but study for the MCAT again since I graduated until June 12 (this past Thursday). The exam was a disaster, so much harder than my first exam in January and I am not looking forward to the score, but it's not the end of the world if I bombed it. I know, that sounds strange for me of all people to be "at peace" with failure, but the reason for that leads me to my next bit of news.

After almost a year of deliberating whether or not I should apply to medical school last year, getting rejected from CLS, and struggling to figure out my life, I can finally say that I will be attending my first choice of school to participate in a post-baccalaureate program. The tremendous things about this program are that: (1) the acceptance is conditional to acceptance into the medical school, hence (2) I do not need to spend $2,000+ on the grueling and heart-wrenching application process, and (3) I get to spend the summer in my third home (which makes me believe maybe it was a good thing that I did not get accepted into CLS then). No, it is not my first choice of medical school, but I figured if I rock Step 1, I can ultimately end up in NYC for residency.

Side note, I'd like to arrogantly throw out there that I was also admitted to a post-baccalaureate program at an Ivy League institution, but turned it down because (1) there is no conditional acceptance into the medical school, hence (2) I would need to spend $2,000+ on the grueling and heart-wrenching application process, and (3) I had my heart set on this other program for the reasons indicated. I usually don't boast like this, but seeing these two acceptances were in all honesty the first time I have really been proud of my accomplishments. I usually think, "Oh, it's because I'm an African-American female with decent grades in a difficult major and extracurricular activities." But I can truly say that my achievements this time were the result of hard work and dedication through my own efforts, and of course the support of my family and God. No, a post-bacc is not an outstanding achievement in general, and in essence demonstrates that I could have done better and didn't, but to me it is a big deal. It's truly an honor that I will never forget, particularly because of the competitive nature of both programs. It gives me hope for residency, if anything, lol.

The program frighteningly begins in just under a week, and I have mixture of emotions. I'm excited because I get to return to a city that I know and enjoy decently well. I'm also excited to meet new people and make new friends. But I'm also nervous about making these new friends. I think there's somewhere between 25-40 of us, all from different backgrounds, some who graduated from college ages ago. I'm good at making friends, but I don't always click with everyone and I don't like not clicking with people. I'm nervous about how housing is going to work out. I'm nervous about the rigor and stress that I'm going to face. I'm nervous about how broke I am and will be. I can only pray that the pieces fit together; everything seems to be falling into place right now, and I hope it stays that way.

That's the gist of my post-graduate life so far. Family problems continue to be problems, but we continue to work through them somehow. I just hope that everything and everyone can be at peace by the end of the summer.

Speaking of summer, my song of the summer:

Current Mood: いいよ
Current Music: BoA - 正夢 CHASING
For us who are as sad as our love was beautiful.

After four short (well, long but seemingly short) years as an undergraduate, my last day of classes has finally arrived. It sounds utterly dismal, but more than it really is. And to be honest, the rain has put a damper on this sentimental attitude that I think should be having.

It's strange; I'm almost positive that I was more distraught moving out of my sophomore year dorm at this time than I am now. And you'd think the fact that my future is still yet to be determined would make me more upset, but even that has yet to put a damper on my mood. I'm not happy per se, but I can't really empathize with my peers just yet.

I know I should save my graduation post for, well, when I graduate, but I have a feeling that reality will hit me fast on that day and I won't be in a good emotional state to write this.

It has been a blast going to school here. I honestly could not imagine myself having gone anywhere else, and while many things changed over four years, people have come and gone, and friendships were made and broken, in general I must say that coming to this school was the best decision of my life so far. I had the chance to explore so many new opportunities, from going to Jamaica to doing research, and every day that I'm not on or near campus I'll miss it so much. I'll miss all the faces, friends or not, that give me a sense of comfort and home just through familiarity. I mean, I have paths to get from one building to another engrained in my memory. Even the smell of certain places has given me this unacknowledged comfort that in a few short weeks I may never get to experience again.

I hate change. Flat out. I remember the first day I came to Villanova, I cried and desperately wanted to go back home. Now, I couldn't imagine spending more than a few weeks at home without going insane. But I have a feeling that the same will come out of whatever new adventure awaits.

I appreciate every single person I have met over the past four years. Everyone. Even those who got on my last nerves, those who made me cry, and those who just thinking of them makes me cringe. For every one of those individuals, I had 10 or 20 others making me smile and laugh everyday, sharing jokes, walking to class, eating dinner, etc. Every person I have met has shaped me into the outstanding person I am today. I'm still a kid at heart, but a kid who knows how to compose herself because of all these encounters I've had. It's going to suck SO badly when I can't walk outside and run into 100 people a day and casually say hi. As antisocial I usually am with music blasting in my ear as I stroll (or in the case of today, swim) across campus, it constantly makes me happy that I've made enough of an impact on people that they care enough to say hi. It's a part of my daily routine that I'm not sure I'll get to experience ever again or get used to the lack of.

Even simply leaving this area is going to be tough. As desperate I am to stay here, the chances of that are uncertain, and its possible that I won't be back for a while, or ever again. And it's little things like Septa running an hour late that I'll get sentimental about (not that I'll necessarily miss that), or being able to walk across the street for groceries, or hopping on the train just to go get bubble tea in Philly.

Academically, I discovered my strengths and weaknesses, and of course that rough patch in my career still haunts me (and is ultimately the reason for my current state of uncertainty). But the failure has made me
grow and learn about who I am, what really interests me, and where I should go in life. As much as this liberal arts education annoyed the absolute shit out of me, I appreciate the vast areas of study I got to explore because, let's be real, science ain't that exciting all the time.

I'm sure I'll come up with other things to look back on and cry about in the future but this is it for now. A HUGE thank you to God for carrying me through this absurd but thrilling labyrinth, mostly unscathed, and allowing me to experience such an incredible and truly life-changing adventure. I have no clue what is in store for me in the near or distant future, but I know it is bright, and I know it is bright for everyone around me, whether they have a plan or are in an abyss of unknowingness like I am. As I said, time and time again, I am not a fan of change, but I am excited to see what's next.

Everyday is a new page. A story I'm writing with my own hands.

Until the next chapter. (Ahaha who am I kidding I still have finals. Jokes.)